do you think about me now and then?

i really should sleep now. but i need to get all of this out of my system. i need it to. there's so much i want to say but i don't know how to say it.

I NEED A NO STRINGS ATTACHED VACATION WITH NO WORK DURING IT AND NO WORRIES ABOUT WORK THAT MIGHT BE AFTER THE VACATION.

fuck this, no more extra curriculars, just let the current ones get over.
i'm exhausted.
people take me for granted.
just because i'm doing something for you doesn't mean i'll keep doing it for you.

my results in these exams were pathetic by my standards. i don't CARE if you say 'oo you got this much and you're still dukhi haww', because honestly, fuck you. i know what my potential is, and if i'm saying i've not scored well, maybe you can just shut the hell up and listen to what i'm trying to say, and not butt in and mention your expert advice.

because i know people who've done better. much, much better. and i know i can do better than these people, because i HAVE done better than them.
so what if i'm a perfectionist?
maybe i really do want to work to my best potential and not just get carried away by your words when you say that my score is okay.
because it is not okay.

i have my october break coming up, and i have to work in that too. i have an mun,
it's going to be great exposure.
it's going to be of no use.
this is what i'll remember from school.
this is what might not let me get good grades and get into a decent college.

i can't believe it, but i'm actually frustrated that i don't know what to do with my life. some people say it's too early, but i look around, and people KNOW what they're gonna do.
i don't even know if i want to do a particular course in college or not.

i wanted to do psychology so bad, and school didn't let me take it.
psychologist goes out of the window.
i don't know what the hell an mba will do to make your life better.
i've wanted to go into journalism since forever, and now everyone tells me it's a tough field, it'll take forever to actually find something decent.
i wanted to go into advertising, i say that, everybody tells me, 'oh just like ruhin!' . and that stupid sentence just makes me want to hurl them out of the window. no, not like him. i'm an indivual person, why don't you tell me something better than 'you got inspired by him?'.
because i've dreamed my dreams long before a number of these important people came into my life.

i don't want to end up becoming a nobody.

i don't want to come off looking weak. or scared. or vulnerable.
but sometimes, that's exactly how i feel.