cigarette stubs

hi
it's been a while, i know. and today, i've come here to rant, because i'm annoyed. oh yes, mighty annoyed. (i feel brit.)
not at people. at decisions, and consequences, and choices, and generally life. no, i'm not pms-ing and you'd just get whacked on your head if you thought i am. shut up. and let me talk today.

i don't understand a lot of things in life. suddenly, too much is changing in very unexpected ways. not in terms of.. happenings. more like realizations.
you see, life tends you screw you over when realizations dawn.
in the past 2 weeks, i've had so much time on my hands, i've done a lot of thinking (amongst lounging around and reading, chill mom.) and i've realized so, SO much, it's like i'm about to burst. because what i've realized makes no sense logically, rationally, or karma-ically. what has happened won't make sense if life was a movie and the plot was supposed to end logically.

today, i've realized that some things in life cannot be reasoned out. i've realized that i will never be my complete self with the person who matters so much for me, even though i may not matter as much for him. i've realized that what has hurt me so much in the past wasn't just indifference, it was also selfishness on your part. i've realized that people tend to walk in and out of our lives as per THEIR own conveniences. i've realized that there's no point chasing after someone, because only after you stop chasing them will they actually come to you.

i've realized that for some people, i'd actually take a bullet (hopefully in a limb and not a vital organ, but oh well). i've realized that life is very, very unfair to some people who are so precious, and so, so wise. i've realized that being a master at words will not matter because eventually, i will never be able to say what i truly feel, simply because it will die out the moment i see you.

i've realized that you can't fix it when you're taken for granted, you either accept it or move on. i've realized that some people will have such a strong hold over us that you''l berate yourself for being a fool every single day, but you'd do as they please anyway, simply because it makes you just as happy. i've realized that people won't change for you, not unless they really care for you. i've realized that acceptance is sometimes more important than correcting somebody.

i've realized that it physically pains me to realize that some people just won't be a regular part of my life anymore. i've realized that life will bring you up, make you rise on the occasion, and will make sure that you stay tipped at the edge of the cliff the entire time, almost teasing you in a way.

i've realized that none of this angers me. i just hope that this gets out there, and stays out, hopefully a tiny reminder in your head when you think of me.