Finders Keepers

To be able to call somebody your lover as well as your best friend is truly the most wonderful feeling ever. Some days, I feel blessed to be with somebody who talks to me and calms me down and listens to me no matter how upset I may be. There are often times when we lash out at the ones we love, we say too much even though we may regret it later, or just push things too far just to see how long we can do it for. It's a human fallacy, we hurt the ones we love when we don't think about anyone but ourselves, but when they stay with you and fight for you despite it all, and they choose to stick around when you hit rock bottom, man. That's when you know you've landed a keeper.

Pinocchio and I

When asked to describe our greatest qualities, some words tend to crop up more than the others - honest, brave, rational, quick thinkers, good decision makers. Guess what we all are?

A bunch of big fat liars.

I mean sure, we are selectively  all of these things. We are always brave until the gun isn't pointed at us, always rational until our integrity has been compromised, always honest unless it's to ourselves. Why can't we all be honest to ourselves? Often, we end up doing things that we like initially, but end up not being so into it eventually, YET continue down the path simply because too many other people (be it family, significant others, friends, whatever) got emotionally involved. We seek to please too many others and think that we are finding happiness in doing so, but ask yourself - are you really? Is this really the job you want, the relationship you're always in love in, the happiness you've truly always dreamt of?

Or are you settling for something you grew out of because you're too used to this comfort zone?

//

There are often too many questions in my head that pop up out of nowhere. Today morning, while being a giant cuddle monster with my blanket in the cool, cool AC air of my room (I think that's the description of heaven, isn't it?), my mind was literally blank and peaceful when suddenly (of course, my mind will never give up the opportunity to intrude upon my moment of tranquility), one clear question rang through my head - Why am I not happy right now?

I didn't have to think much, I didn't think at all actually. Some things have rather obvious answers to them - the usual suspects always play a part in your guessing game.

I agree that happiness isn't just about people or places, it's a state of mind. Yet somewhere down the line, I think that others play a huge role in affecting your happiness anyway (fuck what the zen books say about not letting people get to you, if sometimes you're affected, you just are. And what kind of people do not get affected by other people, especially if it's a positive influence?! Exactly).

It's not like I'm unhappy. I just feel like I need to take some time off and just.. figure myself out. I don't want other people or relationships. I want myself, I want to think, I want to remember who I am as a person and how I've evolved, and maybe certain relationships in my life are stopping me from doing so, yet they're not REALLY stopping me so I don't know how breaking them off will help me. What do you do in life when you know that you've reached a dead end but you're just not ready to accept it, you're not thinking logically about it, and you don't have the guts to do anything about it? Because that's my current state of mind.

Man, the strengths column in my resume is just waiting to grow a longer nose.

ASDFGHJKLSDFGHJKL

OMG BLOGGER IS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING WHEN IT COMES TO TEMPLATES AND THEMES ARGH SHIFTING TO WORDPRESS OR TUMBLR OK BYE

"Love alone can never give you loyalty. Loyalty comes from something deeper. Like belonging."

untitled

my life needs something new.
i'm not saying i'm bored. or dead. or tired. i am happy. i am happier than i have been in a long, long time. and it isn't the kind that is derived out of cheap thrills. i'm talking of the happiness that leaves a patient, warm glow deep down.

but i'm not satisfied. some days, i feel like i'm stuck in a rut that was once something i truly chased. i'm not ready to give up my rut, but i also feel like maybe it's just time to get up and move on.

the problem in life is that we are attracted to too many things, and too many of those too many are existential flames to our wispy moth wings. i don't wish to be a cynic or a fatalist, my mind's corners are conspicuously clean when it comes to cob webs in dark shadows. yet these are the people i wish i could talk to all the time, because a part of me relates to them like no other.

there are days when i read words that jolt me out of my mundane existence. i wonder if i could also weave intricacies into the simplicities of these sentences - and i realize that i cannot. i am slightly above average at best, there are minds far superior, far smarter, far more talented than mine. it pains me, it feels like a party i could throw but not mingle in. but i do not care beyond that, i only accept.

sometimes, i wish i would have been more rebellious. not in the way that involves nails painted black and spikes on every article of clothing (somebody should really let that trend die out, by the way), but rebellious in terms of society. i would have turned out perfectly alright had i not attended every party, or maybe aimed at being the head girl, studied commerce when all my mind yearned for was the arts.

of course, there is not point contemplating ifs and buts, i write this post today as a person i may not have been without all this. i just like to indulge myself sometimes, not by ranting, but just contemplating. it's so easy to just want to drift sometimes, not worry about where you're heading in life or where you've come from, not worrying about making your insta look a certain way or having just the right facebook status.

i think i've just lost track of the bigger picture. what even is the bigger picture? life? life is just a bunch of days. they say you can lend meaning to it by having this great job with a minimal carbon footprint, a spouse, a well travelled mind, a pet that your kids love. what is all of this? it's nothing. what if i told you, right now, that life is just a big meadow with yellow flowers and a blue sky with tufts of white floating by? does that simplify things for you, or make them much more complicated?

i feel like i was wiser when i was younger. my life is not a mess, i feel spiritually sound, physically healthy, mentally active, emotionally comforted. there is nothing here that needs urgent attention. but i keep feeling like there's a ghost limb here somewhere, that i want to twitch, that i can feel the twitch in, but i don't know where it is or where it went, or what happened to it.

i need a new bigger picture. 

Talk is Cheap

Hello internet, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because my work is softly creeping
But my common sense is still sleeping
SO INSTEAD I'M BLOGGING
IS IT LIKE WRITING ON SUBWAY WALLS
And tenement halls
This is the sound of akawriting

Maybe I should start a band and call myself Aka&Garfunkel
(jkjkjkjkjk people will die and Simon and Art will not exactly be pleased and then they might sue me for defamation and I'm already broke so NO I'M SORRY TO BREAK YOUR HEART YOU GUYS)

The world is a veryveryveryveryvery weird tiny place because the chick (one of them, at least. ha ha) that my beloved boyfriend hooked up with is roommates with this other girl who I know who is also dating a good friend of mine! WHAAAAAA. Then yesterday in the metro, I was sitting across another one of the girls he hooked up with. WHAAAAAA. I should have a reaction I guess, but I don't? I'm just like yeah.. okay universe. Hoping you're not sending me a signal here.

Anyway. The world's most hectic two weeks are finally coming to a (hopefully fruitful) end. I've not even worked this hard for my boards, so that's saying something + I haven't stepped out IN WEEKS.  who am I even kidding, I went out three days back. But my sleep cycle is fucked to the extent that it is impossible for me to not take comatose naps in the evening no matter how hard I try. THERE IS NO CURE, WILL SMITH CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE A MOVIE CALLED: I AM SLEEP DEPRIVED LEGEND?


Things I miss:

- Wengers Deli
- Thinner days
(HAHAHA)

I really hope I get into Bombay.