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my life needs something new.
i'm not saying i'm bored. or dead. or tired. i am happy. i am happier than i have been in a long, long time. and it isn't the kind that is derived out of cheap thrills. i'm talking of the happiness that leaves a patient, warm glow deep down.

but i'm not satisfied. some days, i feel like i'm stuck in a rut that was once something i truly chased. i'm not ready to give up my rut, but i also feel like maybe it's just time to get up and move on.

the problem in life is that we are attracted to too many things, and too many of those too many are existential flames to our wispy moth wings. i don't wish to be a cynic or a fatalist, my mind's corners are conspicuously clean when it comes to cob webs in dark shadows. yet these are the people i wish i could talk to all the time, because a part of me relates to them like no other.

there are days when i read words that jolt me out of my mundane existence. i wonder if i could also weave intricacies into the simplicities of these sentences - and i realize that i cannot. i am slightly above average at best, there are minds far superior, far smarter, far more talented than mine. it pains me, it feels like a party i could throw but not mingle in. but i do not care beyond that, i only accept.

sometimes, i wish i would have been more rebellious. not in the way that involves nails painted black and spikes on every article of clothing (somebody should really let that trend die out, by the way), but rebellious in terms of society. i would have turned out perfectly alright had i not attended every party, or maybe aimed at being the head girl, studied commerce when all my mind yearned for was the arts.

of course, there is not point contemplating ifs and buts, i write this post today as a person i may not have been without all this. i just like to indulge myself sometimes, not by ranting, but just contemplating. it's so easy to just want to drift sometimes, not worry about where you're heading in life or where you've come from, not worrying about making your insta look a certain way or having just the right facebook status.

i think i've just lost track of the bigger picture. what even is the bigger picture? life? life is just a bunch of days. they say you can lend meaning to it by having this great job with a minimal carbon footprint, a spouse, a well travelled mind, a pet that your kids love. what is all of this? it's nothing. what if i told you, right now, that life is just a big meadow with yellow flowers and a blue sky with tufts of white floating by? does that simplify things for you, or make them much more complicated?

i feel like i was wiser when i was younger. my life is not a mess, i feel spiritually sound, physically healthy, mentally active, emotionally comforted. there is nothing here that needs urgent attention. but i keep feeling like there's a ghost limb here somewhere, that i want to twitch, that i can feel the twitch in, but i don't know where it is or where it went, or what happened to it.

i need a new bigger picture.