speak

(I'm supposed to be doing MUN work abhi. HAHAHA deja vu :P)

(rant)

Okay so listen.

I feel alone and weird nowadays. I'm surrounded by people, yet I feel empty. I've realized that now, there's nobody. I mean sure, I have my friends, and they're amazing people. But I feel so lost, everyday. Like something's missing, something's gone.
I'm trying to explain how I feel, but I think I'm failing at it.
It's like.. there's nobody who I can call up whenever and tell them how horrible my day was. There was this comfort in sharing those mundane details, it didn't seem to matter then. Or an inside joke. So many of them. Just anybody won't get it. I have to start all over again. Or let those little things go unspoken, just like so many others, like another stray thought that wouldn't matter to many people.

I go to school and I come back and so much's happened (or nothing's happened) and nobody's there to give me an outsider's point of view. Just to calm me down a bit. I was stressed then, I'm hassled now. But I can't have everything in life. So I pass my days like this everyday. School is a haven, a place where I don't think of all this. It tires me out so much, it distracts me so much, and for once in my life, I'm actually grateful for that. Because I think too much. I overanalyze every minute detail otherwise.
And then I feel horrible.
The moment I return home, there's nothing to look forward to. I have tuitions on monday tuesday wednesday friday saturday. I get one day in a week when I'm back home by 3.30. I love thursdays now, they're my favourite days.
I hate staybacks too. When will the principal realize this is taking us no where. They're making us work every saturday, and stayback on every mon, wed, fri because they gave us the cwg break. Bloody hell, what is the use of a break if you're going to make us work like slaves and let us dry up like prunes?

My parents have started irritating me more too now. Every damn boy makes them paranoid. I was committed and back then, they weren't this paranoid about me having a boyfriend and now that I actually don't have one, they're all "anything up with him? or him? or him? senior boys are this, junior boys are that, your batch boys toh don't talk about, blah blah blah. You're on the wrong path, what'll happen to you? Will you even get into DU? Parties, oh god, can't drop can't pick up won't let you go with others we love you too much you're getting disobedient you don't wake up on time you don't sleep on time you give friends more preference" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

What if I don't get into DU? What'll you do then?
I want to go really far away from them right now.
And I want this damn MUN to get over fast.
I'm scared I won't get a post next year. I can't even be myself in school, everybody's judging. Teachers are sweet to your face, horrible people behind your back. Double faced. Students, you don't know who you can trust.
Friends. School. Parents. College. Teachers. Fat. Sleep. Phone bill. Homework. MUN. Vice Head Girl. Politics. Commerce olympiad. Prospectus.
My head is spinning.

It's been a bad month so far.
And the worst part is, we're only halfway through.

(end rant)


I don't know what to do with my life right now. Just waiting for it to fall back into place. Somewhat.
I wish my mum would stop being so mean to me. It's not like I meant for him it to happen today.
She doesn't realize how much I love her.
And how much I hate it when she does this to me.


Today is 16th.