Bloop Bye 2014

Of all the misused sentences spoken/written by people, "This year flew by!" is probably in the top five. But I swear to god guys, I mean it when I say it, this year really did fly by!

(stop rolling your eyes)

Mes amis, admittedly, I did a lot of stupid and bold and awesome shit this year. If I had to rate 2014, I'd give it a 5 on 10, but then I'd rethink that and give it like a 7.5 instead. I had numerous failures this year, fourth semester was awful, I tanked my GMAT, I applied to a school I had no intention of actually going to but got emotionally invested in it anyway (at least my parents did, and boy does that lead to a healthy set of disappointments), and somewhere along the line it hit me that I'm literally throwing my education away.

I lost all my interest in my course somewhere in the beginning of this year, kind of blinded by my superior intellect (ha!) and thought that things will fall into place anyway. Well nuh uh, let me tell you one thing. If you're even the slightest bit competitive, know that it fucking sucks to see your friends do better than you (sorry babies, I love you either way :P)

So after wasting the first half of my year just ambling away, I got my shit together, beat up a boy, rolled my sleeves up, and decided to just fucking get my game back. I have no idea how I've done this semester, and if this one sucked too, I guess all the smoking up really did kill off all my brain cells (wasn't even worth it. or maybe. nvm).

It doesn't matter. All I know is, this year, I fucked up, and then I decided to not fuck up any more. And it's all good. I've learnt that:

1. Desperation is necessary to take you places. If you want an internship, GET AFTER THEIR LIVES. Don't wait for them to reply if it's been 4 days. Call them, hound them, turn up at their reception after thoroughly stalking everybody from the company on LinkdIn. You need this, they need to know that. Stop worrying about being chape.

2. GROW A BACKBONE. Be a bitch if you must. It's alright to not take shit from people no matter how much you wish to please them (unless they're your boss). If somebody is making you unhappy, you have every right to tell them. Take revenge if you must, but remember that you can't have any regrets later.

3. But also know that there is a right place and right time to say things. Tact is imperative.

4. Never, ever, ever drink if you haven't eaten all day. You will retch till your gastrointestinal tract turns inside out and you will want to die but death won't come to you and that'll make you want to die even more.

5. Stop it with the jealousy fueled hatred. This one goes out especially to the girls. I know so many of us just hate on others just because they're actually happy in life - they have good grades and a great social life and perfect eyebrows. That is NOT the reason to hate on somebody, that is immaturity. Cut it out (and pick up some tips on the brows after that)

< / gyaan >

I know that it's been a decent year. I'm happy. I know what I want to do in life. I met a lot of lovely people. I dated some of them :P I got lots of work xp and enjoyed all of it. Fifth semester was a thing of beauty that threw me out of my comfort zone and helped me realize a lot of things about myself. I voted this year, I got my driver's license this year. I drove all the way to campus and back! I finally got rid of everything blackberry (hahahaha), grew out my hair, discovered Forever 21, turned 20 in the face of it, and survived this year.

I'd say cheers to that!
2015, on to you :)
(Calm your tits, I know there's a week left)
(But I'm going to Goa after that so fuck y'all)

  

Many Of Horror

With December right around in the corner, the mood for reflection is in the air too. Some of us did well for ourselves, some of us truly entered the trance arena of a downward spiral. But hey, you know what they say about perspective, right? So if you're feeling shitty about yourself, let me tell you the tale of 27th November.

My days often start when the sun is blazing right on top of your head. Waking up at noon is not luxury, it is an opportunity grabbed at every holiday. After a series of study leaves managed to turn my sleep cycle upside down (hey, at least I was studying and not watching Orange Is The New Black) (maybe), I woke up at 7 am to take an exam. 

All good. Except I woke up to utter chaos. My mum and brother were running late for school, and it turned out that the driver didn't show up with the car either. One car, two destinations. Dad decided to drop us both together, mum fans to first to school and then me to the metro station. Halfway into the ride, I realised that I didn't have my admit card on me. 

Fuck. 

We turned back. I ran upstairs. And I could not find my admit card ANYWHERE. If I'm not able to take this exam today, my graduation gets delayed by an entire year. Panic. Chaos. Somehow my brain works, I grab last year's admit card and run back to the car. 

I'm running late already. 

At the metro station, I make a few calls to make sure that a classmate can go to the admin ffice and start the process of finding out what I can do now. WHERE IS THE DAMN METRO? It comes, and thank the gods it wasn't a white light one or I would have cried. I take a seat, and pull out some notes to revise, when a guy sitting next to me starts rapping Honey Singh songs. Ha ha ha. Out of all days. I block him out and try to focus. At Green Park, I realise something is wrong. I forgot my calculator. This is a practical paper. 

Fuck. 

I call my friend at the hostel to help me arrange for one, except there's one glaring problem. Math Hons has their paper today too, which is prime calculator market. Hey, you can't expect Pol Sc kids to have calculators. I cross my fingers, hoping she'll find some Econ kid, glare at Honey Singh man, and get on with life. 

I reach college with five minutes to spare, take the paper, and only once do I wonder if I'll really pass this paper or not. I come out, somewhat alive after 3 hours, only to hear people telling me that the paper was an EXACT copy of 2014's SOL paper. But how can that be possible? I solved all the past papers yesterday! 

Turns out my 10 Year's was last year's edition. I didn't even have the 2014 paper -.- 

Fuck this shit. I go to the admin office to get a new admit card. They ask me to wait for 3 hours. I give up. I'd even forgotten to carry my phone's charger, there was nothing to do but wait. At around 2, I generally stroll by the office again, only to have a guy stop me and tell me that I don't need to wait till 3, because they had my old admit card all along and just.. forgot. 

ARGH. I mean, I know I should be thankful, but this could have been totally avoided IF THEY HAD ONLY HAD SOME PRESENCE OF MIND (not that I'm one to say, considering how I lost it in the first place -.-) 

Oh well. I take the metro back. It's 8 coach, it's HUDA City Centre, I get a seat immediately, hey maybe my day is turning around! 

I climb up the stairs of my home thinking "oh man, the only better feeling than coming home is coming back to an EMPTY home awwyissss!". Except the door is unlocked. I try to open it, it's shut from the inside. No worries, I realise that my brother is home. Except he's not opening the door! I ring the bell, I call the landline, I scream his name, nothing is happening. My brother is literally snoring away to glory. And I'm stuck outside in the cold, I need to pee, I'm sleep deprived, and all I really want to do is wear ratty pajamas and lie on my bed. 

Life: "LOL no" 

It's all good! I go over to Srijan's. Probably the only part of my day that was truly the nicest. Don't you just love it when you have someone who will just casually turn your day around just by virtue of their existence? 3 hours of aimless conversation, Jasper tests and silly jokes later, I head back home. My mum has literally managed to break into our own house just to get inside, everyone is inside (my brother was still sleeping btw, that adorable shit), my boyfriend was on the phone and there was a double chocolate chip cookie waiting for me somewhere. Just like that, it was midnight, and the day was over. And you know what?

I survived 27/11. 

(Haha)

(That line might be in poor humour) 

don't.

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

I am not there. I do not sleep. 

I am a thousand winds that blow. 

I am the diamond glints on snow. 

I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 

I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning's hush 

I am the swift uplifting rush 

Of quiet birds in circled flight. 

I am the soft stars that shine at night. 

Do not stand at my grave and cry; 

I am not there. I did not die.

What is it about death that makes us so contemplative? A few minutes back, I was peacefully pondering about how to pass my exam (it's day after, why do you think am I blogging so much?), and then out of nowhere, it hit me - I once knew people who just don't exist anymore. It's such a strange thought to wrap your head around. Normal people your age who you've talked to and shared 8th grade lunches and exam hall jokes with, they're just.. dead. 

I used to think death is mostly associated with the notion of sadness, that I'm supposed to surround myself with an air of melancholy whenever I think of somebody who passed away. Except, all I feel is bewilderment. Call it the 5 Stages of Grief or the river, I don't care. I mean, come on. How can somebody who was perfectly healthy, with barely 2 decades behind them, just get up and say goodbye to all things mortal? How can people who were once a fully functional embodiment of consciousness and spirit, just.. die? 

Sometimes, I'll catch my thoughts drifting to them. Did they live a good life? Were they happy? Is it fair that they probably never got to do the thins you and I will hopefully have a chance at - a soulmate to wake up to every morning, your own children who will further have kids who'll run around your house calling you gramps? A trip around the world, finally opening that restaurant, that chance of doing something that leaves an impact much bigger than you ever imagined? 

I don't know these answers, but more importantly, I don't think I want the answers to these questions. I don't want to imagine what they went through in their final moments, whether life flashed before their eyes, whether they found their way into the light or not. I just wish, I truly do, that they're happy wherever they are, and know that somebody out here chooses to live life more fully just to honour their past existence. 

Rest in peace, both of you. 

x

Type // Typo

How often do you look at somebody across the street and wonder, "Hot damn, I'd tap that" (in a non creepy way.) (Is it even possible to think that in a non creepy way?) (guh) 

More often than not, we all have a particular type. They are the proverbial flame to our moth-like existence. It doesn't matter whether they're within out league or not, the playing field is completely different when you face that kind of attraction. Your heart flip flops, not because you have a crush, but because you *know* this feeling already. You'll appear more charming, your arms and legs will move in a graceful tandem, and you'll already know you're acing this. Been there, done that. 

Except, why do we even have a type in the first place? The people you date are usually VAAAASTLY different from what your expectations are. She likes tall, dark and handsome? She's probably going to end up with short, bald and handsome (Hey who said short bald men cannot look gorgeous?) 

Tall boys with curly hair who smell great and and have glorious smiles are mine. (That's oddly specific hahaha). I know somebody who likes muscly girls. An old friend loves chubby guys. But does having a type necessarily restrict you to only that market? 

All I'm saying is, there's more to people than just looks. It's also true that looks do matter, at least in that first instance when biology races chemistry and competes for some.. physic..al.. Never mind. This is just a tiny reminder to the world that just like you, people are complex. Not only is there personality, but there are multiple layers to that as well. Choose wisely, be it a one night stand or a soulmate. Because judging people on one or two characteristics might just land you in the bed of a serial killer. 

x

You know that little voice inside your head? The one that tells you to not eat that 19th gol gappa and tells you to stfu before saying something horribly awkward that'll end your social life forever? That voice is driving me crazy.

Now I know that everyone who knows me already thinks that I'm a psycho nut job who laughs & giggles too much at stupid stuff like the words 'alu - bonda'. Hey, nobody's paying me money to put up a sane act, so I might as well do what makes me happy.

Exceptttttt. There's this thingggg. My happiness is making me unhappy too. I've been in love with a man since the past 4 years, with somebody who has cheated on me repeatedly and has easily sauntered back into my life because I've let him. I've believed that this love (? faithfulness? blind optimism?) has been the reason he's always come back to me, no matter how many other women have come in the way.

Yet I know this is idiocy. And my idiocy angers me, more and more everyday. The fact that somebody willingly chose to lie to me, to deceive me, to take me for granted, to break my trust, to literally fucking stomp on my heart just because he had the power to just goes on to show how little he has actually cared, yet lied to me about even that :/ It makes me feel so helpless, the fact that my version of our shared past is thoroughly and completely inaccurate, so little of it is actually true. Every moment spent doing something was actually spent with somebody else, sharing little snippets of love, all while I though I  was the special one.

I wasn't. And when I got to know, it broke a little part of me, but I let him back inside anyway. I gave him a little more of myself anyway. He went right ahead and cheated again anyway. I broke a little more anyway.

Each time, I thought things were different. Things are different this time too. We're in different cities. I'm a different person too. I've become a too much of a cynic, I've forgotten what bright sides and silver linings mean. I'm always looking for a catch in everything. It's impossible to trust people at one go.

My happiness has reduced me to a bundle of insecurities. And boy, does long distance help that.

I'm just tired. I just want to be loved wholly man. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want half-assed declarations of love that even make you feel shallow. I just want to be treated nice, and not constantly be made to feel like I'm competing for affection. I just wish he'd stop flirting with other people and make me feel like a shitty person. I want the kind of love I believed in before he cheated on me. I want to go sleep knowing that the burden of a relationship is not just held on my shoulders, that he isn't in a relationship that acts like a sword hanging over his head. I want to be told that yes, I am loved and I am cherished and yes, I mean to you what you mean to me - not just words said for the sake of saying but because you actually mean them. 

Why does complacency come so easily to us all? Wouldn't you rather get out of a relationship that makes you feel like this?

Then 3 years and 10 months later, what am I still doing here, floating in this abyss of G's and S' and M's and N's and J's and A's and all the other women you chose over me?

In the past one year, I have forgotten the point of writing a blog. Somewhere down the line, it went from a place where I sought refuge from my own thoughts and wrote to settle the storms in my mind, to a place where I wrote to provide entertainment.

Guys, I think I'm a sell out :(

Kidding. I think it's kind of weird to publicize your own life, thoughts, and feelings, but it's a decision I took voluntarily. If there's something supremely entertaining that needs to be shared, it will be shared. Otherwise, it stays on the blog. People who want to read it are free to do so, otherwise chilllllll tfo because everyone has enough of their own drama in life.

So where do I begin? I don't know. I've walked out of possibly the biggest roller coaster of a relationship - one with incredible highs but lows that sank too low. There are still things that hold me back, like vines entwining my entirety - but who said falling out of love was easy? 

You know what really sucks though? Burning bridges. I find it impossible to do, how can you just get up one day and cut somebody off, just like that? I lost a friend who chose to involve herself in my relationship as well. That's the trouble - from a relationship, you still expect heartbreak because there are expectations. You expect love in return of you loving somebody. Love is selfish, but that doesn't make it bad. That's just how it is.

But you choose to be friends with somebody without any ulterior motives (at least the honest kind of friendship). You don't expect an outcome out of your bond - you're friends simply because you are. Which is why it hurts more to be betrayed by a friend than by a lover, because a lover will hurt you and you'll find closure and move on. But when a friend breaks your trust, it's crushes your soul because.. there is no closure, you've been hurt simply by virtue of being a friend. 

Life moves on. You make new friends. You rebound. You bounce back. I just don't want to enter a new relationship with any excess baggage, but my heart seems to be betraying me by fancying another already. 

Uff.

On a completely different note, can ppl plz staaaaahp hating on ice bucket challenges already? Go find something better to do in life, I'm sure you all can find better utilization of your emotions than hating on something pointlessly (If you're hating so much, GO DONATE NA. Na khud donate karoge, na awareness spread karoge, bas ghar pe baith ke rote rahoge). Unbunch your panties, because bunching them up is uncomfortable and it'll prevent you from getting any*

*PSA.

KEH DO KI YEH JHOOTH HAI

Having been brought up in the land of melodrama (voila the 3 Bs - Bollywood, Balaji Telefilms & Babaji ki booties), I'd like to imagine betrayal being portrayed via a series of closeups, Phantom of the Opera-esque music, and three retakes (of course).

So when last night, I had the world's greatest meal ever and ended up with a case of food poisoning, I truly understood the meaning of dhokha.

Dhokha (noun, Hindi): What you feel when something/somebody you truly love with all your heart and soul (re: food), and it stabs you in the back, giving you a case of god awful diarrhoea (to be taken literally or metaphorically, as per suitable application)

sense

as winter fades away &

spring awakens from it's slumber, 

i feel it.

daylight lingers a tad longer

like your hugs

when we meet after a fortnight, 

or maybe 15 minutes.

in my bones,

i feel it.

layer after layer 

of woolen insulation 

sheds itself, 

hesitant first, 

then bolder

like my inhibitions 

when you pulled me

into the gentlest of kisses.

on my lips,

i feel it.

as you lie

under your blankets, 

you discover a sheen of sweat 

covering

the arch of your back, 

and it surprises you 

pleasantly. 

just the way it felt when

we first made love.

on my skin,

i feel you.

in the air,

i feel it.

Nayan Tarse

Have you guys noticed these 100 Happy Days shenanigans? I have, and bloody hell, I love the dedication with which people are uploading things! (unless you're one of those retards who put up anything and say "oho look deodorant #100happydays") (I might have had to google the spelling of deodorant)

Initially, I really wanted to do this project too. I admit, the cynic in me thinks that if you're really happy, there's no need to publicize it on a social platform just to seek validation from strangers in the form of likes. But there's something to be said about our generation - we can't really do much without involving social media into it.

I mean, sure, you could be choose to keep things private, but just because somebody is expressing themselves via pictures/statuses on the internet, doesn't mean you need to hate on them. It's a choice they've made because they had the platform available to them. Let's respect that and not say "OMG s/he's such a vella attention seeker and desperate for likes!!1!11!!" just for the sake of it.

Anyway. So I was joyfully sitting atop my rainbow, daydreaming about how I'll execute my #100HappyDays, until my crappy ex pulled off the biggest chutiyaap ever (again. yes yes, you can lulz too). How could I possibly be a sparkly unicorn for a 100 days if somebody so close to me screws my happy up?

Then it hit me - our happiness is almost always based on other people. Someone complemented your Vans? Happy. Someone mentioned your result? Sad. Free food because friend's birthday? Happy. Domino's ended 1+1 pizza on Wednesdays? Sad.

If you end up in a Will Smith scenario in I Am Legend (no human contact for months), your state of mind might be radically different. You can be happy, but will you be as happy as Will Smith in Hitch?

So what do we do? I don't think you can cut people off and be happy, that's too tough (Plus how will you be part of entertaining Kejriwal status fights then?). Being too guarded about your feelings all the time won't exactly improve your quality of life either. You could find joy in a hobby, pet, spirituality, new phones, movies, music, art, exercise, new socks, anything.

But the problem is, none of it gives you the same rush as long as you don't have your 'people' to share this joy with. You know, the ones who you blink at and they'll know what you're thinking, or whose moms treat you like extended family. You may or may not need these people, but life certainly feels better with them around.

Be a good person, it's worth the karma.  Don't muck around with your 4am peeps by being too selfish. Sometimes, place another's happiness over yourself, but know when to draw a line. And goodness, appreciate the ones you love dearly. They'll give you more than enough to be happy about (and sometimes, other emotions too hehe) for a 100 days, and hopefully, many more :)

PS: Might be too lazy to do this project but let's seeeeeeeee hm.

"I cannot count the times I have cursed our lack of urgency. If ever I love again, I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that there would be time to love well sometime in the future. This is a terrible way to think. It's no way to live, to wait to love."

- What Is the What, Dave Eggers