You know that little voice inside your head? The one that tells you to not eat that 19th gol gappa and tells you to stfu before saying something horribly awkward that'll end your social life forever? That voice is driving me crazy.
Now I know that everyone who knows me already thinks that I'm a psycho nut job who laughs & giggles too much at stupid stuff like the words 'alu - bonda'. Hey, nobody's paying me money to put up a sane act, so I might as well do what makes me happy.
Exceptttttt. There's this thingggg. My happiness is making me unhappy too. I've been in love with a man since the past 4 years, with somebody who has cheated on me repeatedly and has easily sauntered back into my life because I've let him. I've believed that this love (? faithfulness? blind optimism?) has been the reason he's always come back to me, no matter how many other women have come in the way.
Yet I know this is idiocy. And my idiocy angers me, more and more everyday. The fact that somebody willingly chose to lie to me, to deceive me, to take me for granted, to break my trust, to literally fucking stomp on my heart just because he had the power to just goes on to show how little he has actually cared, yet lied to me about even that :/ It makes me feel so helpless, the fact that my version of our shared past is thoroughly and completely inaccurate, so little of it is actually true. Every moment spent doing something was actually spent with somebody else, sharing little snippets of love, all while I though I was the special one.
I wasn't. And when I got to know, it broke a little part of me, but I let him back inside anyway. I gave him a little more of myself anyway. He went right ahead and cheated again anyway. I broke a little more anyway.
Each time, I thought things were different. Things are different this time too. We're in different cities. I'm a different person too. I've become a too much of a cynic, I've forgotten what bright sides and silver linings mean. I'm always looking for a catch in everything. It's impossible to trust people at one go.
My happiness has reduced me to a bundle of insecurities. And boy, does long distance help that.
I'm just tired. I just want to be loved wholly man. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want half-assed declarations of love that even make you feel shallow. I just want to be treated nice, and not constantly be made to feel like I'm competing for affection. I just wish he'd stop flirting with other people and make me feel like a shitty person. I want the kind of love I believed in before he cheated on me. I want to go sleep knowing that the burden of a relationship is not just held on my shoulders, that he isn't in a relationship that acts like a sword hanging over his head. I want to be told that yes, I am loved and I am cherished and yes, I mean to you what you mean to me - not just words said for the sake of saying but because you actually mean them.
Why does complacency come so easily to us all? Wouldn't you rather get out of a relationship that makes you feel like this?
Then 3 years and 10 months later, what am I still doing here, floating in this abyss of G's and S' and M's and N's and J's and A's and all the other women you chose over me?
Now I know that everyone who knows me already thinks that I'm a psycho nut job who laughs & giggles too much at stupid stuff like the words 'alu - bonda'. Hey, nobody's paying me money to put up a sane act, so I might as well do what makes me happy.
Exceptttttt. There's this thingggg. My happiness is making me unhappy too. I've been in love with a man since the past 4 years, with somebody who has cheated on me repeatedly and has easily sauntered back into my life because I've let him. I've believed that this love (? faithfulness? blind optimism?) has been the reason he's always come back to me, no matter how many other women have come in the way.
Yet I know this is idiocy. And my idiocy angers me, more and more everyday. The fact that somebody willingly chose to lie to me, to deceive me, to take me for granted, to break my trust, to literally fucking stomp on my heart just because he had the power to just goes on to show how little he has actually cared, yet lied to me about even that :/ It makes me feel so helpless, the fact that my version of our shared past is thoroughly and completely inaccurate, so little of it is actually true. Every moment spent doing something was actually spent with somebody else, sharing little snippets of love, all while I though I was the special one.
I wasn't. And when I got to know, it broke a little part of me, but I let him back inside anyway. I gave him a little more of myself anyway. He went right ahead and cheated again anyway. I broke a little more anyway.
Each time, I thought things were different. Things are different this time too. We're in different cities. I'm a different person too. I've become a too much of a cynic, I've forgotten what bright sides and silver linings mean. I'm always looking for a catch in everything. It's impossible to trust people at one go.
My happiness has reduced me to a bundle of insecurities. And boy, does long distance help that.
I'm just tired. I just want to be loved wholly man. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want half-assed declarations of love that even make you feel shallow. I just want to be treated nice, and not constantly be made to feel like I'm competing for affection. I just wish he'd stop flirting with other people and make me feel like a shitty person. I want the kind of love I believed in before he cheated on me. I want to go sleep knowing that the burden of a relationship is not just held on my shoulders, that he isn't in a relationship that acts like a sword hanging over his head. I want to be told that yes, I am loved and I am cherished and yes, I mean to you what you mean to me - not just words said for the sake of saying but because you actually mean them.
Why does complacency come so easily to us all? Wouldn't you rather get out of a relationship that makes you feel like this?
Then 3 years and 10 months later, what am I still doing here, floating in this abyss of G's and S' and M's and N's and J's and A's and all the other women you chose over me?
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