don't.

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

I am not there. I do not sleep. 

I am a thousand winds that blow. 

I am the diamond glints on snow. 

I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 

I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning's hush 

I am the swift uplifting rush 

Of quiet birds in circled flight. 

I am the soft stars that shine at night. 

Do not stand at my grave and cry; 

I am not there. I did not die.

What is it about death that makes us so contemplative? A few minutes back, I was peacefully pondering about how to pass my exam (it's day after, why do you think am I blogging so much?), and then out of nowhere, it hit me - I once knew people who just don't exist anymore. It's such a strange thought to wrap your head around. Normal people your age who you've talked to and shared 8th grade lunches and exam hall jokes with, they're just.. dead. 

I used to think death is mostly associated with the notion of sadness, that I'm supposed to surround myself with an air of melancholy whenever I think of somebody who passed away. Except, all I feel is bewilderment. Call it the 5 Stages of Grief or the river, I don't care. I mean, come on. How can somebody who was perfectly healthy, with barely 2 decades behind them, just get up and say goodbye to all things mortal? How can people who were once a fully functional embodiment of consciousness and spirit, just.. die? 

Sometimes, I'll catch my thoughts drifting to them. Did they live a good life? Were they happy? Is it fair that they probably never got to do the thins you and I will hopefully have a chance at - a soulmate to wake up to every morning, your own children who will further have kids who'll run around your house calling you gramps? A trip around the world, finally opening that restaurant, that chance of doing something that leaves an impact much bigger than you ever imagined? 

I don't know these answers, but more importantly, I don't think I want the answers to these questions. I don't want to imagine what they went through in their final moments, whether life flashed before their eyes, whether they found their way into the light or not. I just wish, I truly do, that they're happy wherever they are, and know that somebody out here chooses to live life more fully just to honour their past existence. 

Rest in peace, both of you. 

x

Type // Typo

How often do you look at somebody across the street and wonder, "Hot damn, I'd tap that" (in a non creepy way.) (Is it even possible to think that in a non creepy way?) (guh) 

More often than not, we all have a particular type. They are the proverbial flame to our moth-like existence. It doesn't matter whether they're within out league or not, the playing field is completely different when you face that kind of attraction. Your heart flip flops, not because you have a crush, but because you *know* this feeling already. You'll appear more charming, your arms and legs will move in a graceful tandem, and you'll already know you're acing this. Been there, done that. 

Except, why do we even have a type in the first place? The people you date are usually VAAAASTLY different from what your expectations are. She likes tall, dark and handsome? She's probably going to end up with short, bald and handsome (Hey who said short bald men cannot look gorgeous?) 

Tall boys with curly hair who smell great and and have glorious smiles are mine. (That's oddly specific hahaha). I know somebody who likes muscly girls. An old friend loves chubby guys. But does having a type necessarily restrict you to only that market? 

All I'm saying is, there's more to people than just looks. It's also true that looks do matter, at least in that first instance when biology races chemistry and competes for some.. physic..al.. Never mind. This is just a tiny reminder to the world that just like you, people are complex. Not only is there personality, but there are multiple layers to that as well. Choose wisely, be it a one night stand or a soulmate. Because judging people on one or two characteristics might just land you in the bed of a serial killer. 

x

You know that little voice inside your head? The one that tells you to not eat that 19th gol gappa and tells you to stfu before saying something horribly awkward that'll end your social life forever? That voice is driving me crazy.

Now I know that everyone who knows me already thinks that I'm a psycho nut job who laughs & giggles too much at stupid stuff like the words 'alu - bonda'. Hey, nobody's paying me money to put up a sane act, so I might as well do what makes me happy.

Exceptttttt. There's this thingggg. My happiness is making me unhappy too. I've been in love with a man since the past 4 years, with somebody who has cheated on me repeatedly and has easily sauntered back into my life because I've let him. I've believed that this love (? faithfulness? blind optimism?) has been the reason he's always come back to me, no matter how many other women have come in the way.

Yet I know this is idiocy. And my idiocy angers me, more and more everyday. The fact that somebody willingly chose to lie to me, to deceive me, to take me for granted, to break my trust, to literally fucking stomp on my heart just because he had the power to just goes on to show how little he has actually cared, yet lied to me about even that :/ It makes me feel so helpless, the fact that my version of our shared past is thoroughly and completely inaccurate, so little of it is actually true. Every moment spent doing something was actually spent with somebody else, sharing little snippets of love, all while I though I  was the special one.

I wasn't. And when I got to know, it broke a little part of me, but I let him back inside anyway. I gave him a little more of myself anyway. He went right ahead and cheated again anyway. I broke a little more anyway.

Each time, I thought things were different. Things are different this time too. We're in different cities. I'm a different person too. I've become a too much of a cynic, I've forgotten what bright sides and silver linings mean. I'm always looking for a catch in everything. It's impossible to trust people at one go.

My happiness has reduced me to a bundle of insecurities. And boy, does long distance help that.

I'm just tired. I just want to be loved wholly man. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want half-assed declarations of love that even make you feel shallow. I just want to be treated nice, and not constantly be made to feel like I'm competing for affection. I just wish he'd stop flirting with other people and make me feel like a shitty person. I want the kind of love I believed in before he cheated on me. I want to go sleep knowing that the burden of a relationship is not just held on my shoulders, that he isn't in a relationship that acts like a sword hanging over his head. I want to be told that yes, I am loved and I am cherished and yes, I mean to you what you mean to me - not just words said for the sake of saying but because you actually mean them. 

Why does complacency come so easily to us all? Wouldn't you rather get out of a relationship that makes you feel like this?

Then 3 years and 10 months later, what am I still doing here, floating in this abyss of G's and S' and M's and N's and J's and A's and all the other women you chose over me?

In the past one year, I have forgotten the point of writing a blog. Somewhere down the line, it went from a place where I sought refuge from my own thoughts and wrote to settle the storms in my mind, to a place where I wrote to provide entertainment.

Guys, I think I'm a sell out :(

Kidding. I think it's kind of weird to publicize your own life, thoughts, and feelings, but it's a decision I took voluntarily. If there's something supremely entertaining that needs to be shared, it will be shared. Otherwise, it stays on the blog. People who want to read it are free to do so, otherwise chilllllll tfo because everyone has enough of their own drama in life.

So where do I begin? I don't know. I've walked out of possibly the biggest roller coaster of a relationship - one with incredible highs but lows that sank too low. There are still things that hold me back, like vines entwining my entirety - but who said falling out of love was easy? 

You know what really sucks though? Burning bridges. I find it impossible to do, how can you just get up one day and cut somebody off, just like that? I lost a friend who chose to involve herself in my relationship as well. That's the trouble - from a relationship, you still expect heartbreak because there are expectations. You expect love in return of you loving somebody. Love is selfish, but that doesn't make it bad. That's just how it is.

But you choose to be friends with somebody without any ulterior motives (at least the honest kind of friendship). You don't expect an outcome out of your bond - you're friends simply because you are. Which is why it hurts more to be betrayed by a friend than by a lover, because a lover will hurt you and you'll find closure and move on. But when a friend breaks your trust, it's crushes your soul because.. there is no closure, you've been hurt simply by virtue of being a friend. 

Life moves on. You make new friends. You rebound. You bounce back. I just don't want to enter a new relationship with any excess baggage, but my heart seems to be betraying me by fancying another already. 

Uff.

On a completely different note, can ppl plz staaaaahp hating on ice bucket challenges already? Go find something better to do in life, I'm sure you all can find better utilization of your emotions than hating on something pointlessly (If you're hating so much, GO DONATE NA. Na khud donate karoge, na awareness spread karoge, bas ghar pe baith ke rote rahoge). Unbunch your panties, because bunching them up is uncomfortable and it'll prevent you from getting any*

*PSA.

KEH DO KI YEH JHOOTH HAI

Having been brought up in the land of melodrama (voila the 3 Bs - Bollywood, Balaji Telefilms & Babaji ki booties), I'd like to imagine betrayal being portrayed via a series of closeups, Phantom of the Opera-esque music, and three retakes (of course).

So when last night, I had the world's greatest meal ever and ended up with a case of food poisoning, I truly understood the meaning of dhokha.

Dhokha (noun, Hindi): What you feel when something/somebody you truly love with all your heart and soul (re: food), and it stabs you in the back, giving you a case of god awful diarrhoea (to be taken literally or metaphorically, as per suitable application)