November 28, 2010
November 25, 2010
slipping through my hands
things that have happened in the past one week:
(don't know the dates. too messed up in the head)
- commendation for best delegate (inmun 2010)
finally. this was the best conference i've ever been to. i've never had as much fun in an mun, ever. iaea was an amazing committee, the exec board was brilliant, the level of debate was fantastic, and what made it better was that i was part of it and actually 'turned the committee around' (words of the executive board)
this makes me rethink my decision of this being my last mun. damn.
- farewell
i'm obviously not posting the details of what we've planned, but i actually have a feeling we can pull this off. DID ANYBODY KNOW THAT FOOD COSTS 1.5 LAKHS? wtf. especially considering how we can only raise around 1.75 laks. whathafa.
- council nonsense
the eight heads are finally united :) turns out, the rest of the council isn't. there's intense pressure in school, one wrong move and we've blown it. right now, there's a lot of disgruntlement in the council, and i personally think it's just one epic misunderstanding. i wish people would understand that we never choose to be dominating, our only job is to bring order to the council. if doing so makes them think that the power's gone to our heads and we think that the council is useless, then they're sadly mistaken.
- i'm sick
extremely. i can't swallow anything without almost dying, every part of my body hurts and i feel sleepy all the time. it's either too hot and suddenly i'm shivering.
- sheila ki jawaani
i just had to say that. KATRINA KAIF LOOKS SO EPIC IN THE SONG.
- 12th appointee form
(which i'm supposed to be filling up right now) i don't understand why they're asking for it already. also, i don't think i'm getting a position next year. there are too many reasons which i cannot explain to everybody right now. but they're there all right. it's actually scary, today while looking at the mirror in the morning, i realized how good the badge looks pinned on my cardigan. then i removed it, and it looked so empty. and sad. boo.
- misc.
khyati's birthday on 1st, srijan's on 3rd, ishana's on 20th, tarana's on 25th, plus conti. OH I FORGOT CONTI, WAIT!
- CONTI!
lol, jesus knows how i'm going to get permission for this. still, very excited. have a slight idea of what to wear, donno if it'll look good. actually it will. just donno if it's conti material or not. (srijan: "now who will dress you up for the conti now that shreya's gone?" very true)
- crazy hormonal imbalances
i don't think the forever exists. i don't understand love. i don't see the logic behind marriage. i've started questioning lots of basic fundamentals in my life now. it's scared my parents, but really. marriage? love? forever? facebook?
the world's materialistic. i've learnt the hard way that the faster you realize this, the easier life gets for you. people are so.. shrewd. people also don't understand. people have got to understand that sometimes, while there seemingly is a choice, there actually isn't.
it's like destructive symbiosis. can't live with, can't live without.
- harry potter & the deathly hallows part 1
if you ask me how the movie was, i'll say it was epic simply because it was harry potter, and it was fantastically picturized. they captured the vision really well. only disappointment: the movie ended too abruptly. and they changed how hedwig died.
at the risk of sounding like apratim, I WANNA BE A WIZARD! D:
neon is stuck in my head okay. i don't know why. i was thinking of the song and it suddenly played on 95. SO AWESOME.
November 17, 2010
inmun 2010
i'm very scared. random people are coming online and telling me i'm screwed in tomorrow's conference.
fuck fuck fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
November 16, 2010
11:02 PM, 16th November 2010
Sometimes, in life, we get lost between what's right and what's wrong. You can't always make the right choice for yourself. What matters the most is making that choice work for you in the best way possible. That's the only way you can right a wrong. Not that we know it's wrong at that point. But when we look back, we realize, we made that choice work for us. And that'll lead to good things eventually, no matter what.
speak
(I'm supposed to be doing MUN work abhi. HAHAHA deja vu :P)
(rant)
Okay so listen.
I feel alone and weird nowadays. I'm surrounded by people, yet I feel empty. I've realized that now, there's nobody. I mean sure, I have my friends, and they're amazing people. But I feel so lost, everyday. Like something's missing, something's gone.
I'm trying to explain how I feel, but I think I'm failing at it.
It's like.. there's nobody who I can call up whenever and tell them how horrible my day was. There was this comfort in sharing those mundane details, it didn't seem to matter then. Or an inside joke. So many of them. Just anybody won't get it. I have to start all over again. Or let those little things go unspoken, just like so many others, like another stray thought that wouldn't matter to many people.
I go to school and I come back and so much's happened (or nothing's happened) and nobody's there to give me an outsider's point of view. Just to calm me down a bit. I was stressed then, I'm hassled now. But I can't have everything in life. So I pass my days like this everyday. School is a haven, a place where I don't think of all this. It tires me out so much, it distracts me so much, and for once in my life, I'm actually grateful for that. Because I think too much. I overanalyze every minute detail otherwise.
And then I feel horrible.
The moment I return home, there's nothing to look forward to. I have tuitions on monday tuesday wednesday friday saturday. I get one day in a week when I'm back home by 3.30. I love thursdays now, they're my favourite days.
I hate staybacks too. When will the principal realize this is taking us no where. They're making us work every saturday, and stayback on every mon, wed, fri because they gave us the cwg break. Bloody hell, what is the use of a break if you're going to make us work like slaves and let us dry up like prunes?
My parents have started irritating me more too now. Every damn boy makes them paranoid. I was committed and back then, they weren't this paranoid about me having a boyfriend and now that I actually don't have one, they're all "anything up with him? or him? or him? senior boys are this, junior boys are that, your batch boys toh don't talk about, blah blah blah. You're on the wrong path, what'll happen to you? Will you even get into DU? Parties, oh god, can't drop can't pick up won't let you go with others we love you too much you're getting disobedient you don't wake up on time you don't sleep on time you give friends more preference" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
What if I don't get into DU? What'll you do then?
I want to go really far away from them right now.
And I want this damn MUN to get over fast.
I'm scared I won't get a post next year. I can't even be myself in school, everybody's judging. Teachers are sweet to your face, horrible people behind your back. Double faced. Students, you don't know who you can trust.
Friends. School. Parents. College. Teachers. Fat. Sleep. Phone bill. Homework. MUN. Vice Head Girl. Politics. Commerce olympiad. Prospectus.
My head is spinning.
It's been a bad month so far.
And the worst part is, we're only halfway through.
(end rant)
I don't know what to do with my life right now. Just waiting for it to fall back into place. Somewhat.
I wish my mum would stop being so mean to me. It's not like I meant forhim it to happen today.
She doesn't realize how much I love her.
And how much I hate it when she does this to me.
Today is 16th.
(rant)
Okay so listen.
I feel alone and weird nowadays. I'm surrounded by people, yet I feel empty. I've realized that now, there's nobody. I mean sure, I have my friends, and they're amazing people. But I feel so lost, everyday. Like something's missing, something's gone.
I'm trying to explain how I feel, but I think I'm failing at it.
It's like.. there's nobody who I can call up whenever and tell them how horrible my day was. There was this comfort in sharing those mundane details, it didn't seem to matter then. Or an inside joke. So many of them. Just anybody won't get it. I have to start all over again. Or let those little things go unspoken, just like so many others, like another stray thought that wouldn't matter to many people.
I go to school and I come back and so much's happened (or nothing's happened) and nobody's there to give me an outsider's point of view. Just to calm me down a bit. I was stressed then, I'm hassled now. But I can't have everything in life. So I pass my days like this everyday. School is a haven, a place where I don't think of all this. It tires me out so much, it distracts me so much, and for once in my life, I'm actually grateful for that. Because I think too much. I overanalyze every minute detail otherwise.
And then I feel horrible.
The moment I return home, there's nothing to look forward to. I have tuitions on monday tuesday wednesday friday saturday. I get one day in a week when I'm back home by 3.30. I love thursdays now, they're my favourite days.
I hate staybacks too. When will the principal realize this is taking us no where. They're making us work every saturday, and stayback on every mon, wed, fri because they gave us the cwg break. Bloody hell, what is the use of a break if you're going to make us work like slaves and let us dry up like prunes?
My parents have started irritating me more too now. Every damn boy makes them paranoid. I was committed and back then, they weren't this paranoid about me having a boyfriend and now that I actually don't have one, they're all "anything up with him? or him? or him? senior boys are this, junior boys are that, your batch boys toh don't talk about, blah blah blah. You're on the wrong path, what'll happen to you? Will you even get into DU? Parties, oh god, can't drop can't pick up won't let you go with others we love you too much you're getting disobedient you don't wake up on time you don't sleep on time you give friends more preference" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
What if I don't get into DU? What'll you do then?
I want to go really far away from them right now.
And I want this damn MUN to get over fast.
I'm scared I won't get a post next year. I can't even be myself in school, everybody's judging. Teachers are sweet to your face, horrible people behind your back. Double faced. Students, you don't know who you can trust.
Friends. School. Parents. College. Teachers. Fat. Sleep. Phone bill. Homework. MUN. Vice Head Girl. Politics. Commerce olympiad. Prospectus.
My head is spinning.
It's been a bad month so far.
And the worst part is, we're only halfway through.
(end rant)
I don't know what to do with my life right now. Just waiting for it to fall back into place. Somewhat.
I wish my mum would stop being so mean to me. It's not like I meant for
She doesn't realize how much I love her.
And how much I hate it when she does this to me.
November 11, 2010
gg
"If you look close enough,to the world round you,you might find someone like you Someone trying to find their way. Someone tyring to find themselves. Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world. Who’s struggling, whos frustrated, unsatisfied,barely getting by. But that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes. We need someone to remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there,
And that someone will find you."
reassurance
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy, you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you only find in movies.
You expect her to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing.
Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens, it’s so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see.
They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it.
What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn’t her calming you down when you yell. It’s her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and keep your grounded
It isn’t her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship more presentable.
It’s right after fight, that drains the life and bones right out of both of you, and yet her or him showing up at your door next morning anyway. It’s not her saying all the right things and knowing exactly how to handle you.
So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be okay. It’s her standing there admitting she’s just as scared as you are.
You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved.
You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another’s hands and saying, “ Here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieces. Mashes into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you in the first place. Just as long as you have it”
It makes reality invisible and erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future.
It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
And it’s a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy with someone to show us that there is a world of difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.
You expect her to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing.
Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens, it’s so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see.
They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it.
What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn’t her calming you down when you yell. It’s her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and keep your grounded
It isn’t her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship more presentable.
It’s right after fight, that drains the life and bones right out of both of you, and yet her or him showing up at your door next morning anyway. It’s not her saying all the right things and knowing exactly how to handle you.
So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be okay. It’s her standing there admitting she’s just as scared as you are.
You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved.
You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another’s hands and saying, “ Here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieces. Mashes into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you in the first place. Just as long as you have it”
It makes reality invisible and erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in, feeling safe, feeling sure about the future.
It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.
And it’s a hell of a lot better than being 100% happy with someone to show us that there is a world of difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.
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